I don't want to go...

"Forever can never be long enough for me to feel like I've had long enough with you.."

It's not a song about kids but it just happens to be the song that came on the radio right as I was pulling this up to type. Made me think of her. 

I should be packing.

I should be doing something. 

I'm doing none of that. Instead I am sitting here thinking about what I don't want to do. Go. I don't want to go even though I know we have too. I will be missing Noelani's senior prom. I will be missing, what I believe to be, Shaylin's acceptance into the school she has hoped to go to since 6th grade. I know I should be focusing on what we are gaining instead of losing but it's hard when I feel like I am always behind the 8 ball instead of controlling the table, making the shots to sink the balls vs being the ball. 

Some days will be better and I know this trip will be providing us answers but I struggle with at what cost? Why can't we just maintain what we've been doing and get her back on the meds and feeling somewhat hunan and alive? I know why, and I also know that this is the best thing for her but today, right now, I am not feeling it. I am feeling whiney and aggravated to the point that I had to put myself in time-out before turning into a real baby. 

There is hope, faith, and love behind this trip and the reasons we have to go this route, while hard on all of us, is nothing we can't handle. 

I know this is why we have to go...now to get my heart wrapped around what my brain knows to be true. 

T minus 2 days.